Telegraph – A Scottish streak of tapioca as prime minister – bring it on! By Boris Johnson

Never mind an election; never mind democracy. Sometime soonish Tony Blair and the Labour Party will part company, with many a dry eye on either side. Gordon is simply going to be translated to Number 10, with all the public consultation that attended the transition from Claudius to Nero; and for many of us it will be a transformation devoutly to be wished. For years we have been watching and waiting, consumed with a palpitating expectation, and for years Gordon has disappointed us. What has got into you, Gordon? we have asked ourselves. What have you got under that kilt, then? Are you a man or a mouse?

This is why I love Europe. We Americans always get called Nazis and Fascists and those sorts of things, all so very 20th Century. But in Europe they’re capable of reaching back into history, into Roman history for their insults! They’re just so cultured.

Apparently Boris thinks our President is a “cross-eyed Texan warmonger”. I guess we don’t deserve any of the cultured insults, us rubes. You know, Boris was a lot more agreeable during his campaign last year.

Frankly, some of us had despaired of Gordon’s killer instinct; and that is why we are all the more encouraged and amazed by the news this week. It seems that Tony actually means to keep his promise, and that Gordon is genuinely going to get his birthright.

If we are right to think this, my message to the Labour Party is, go right ahead, punks, Make My Day. I say this to Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper, and all the other Brownies hoping to do well when Gordon makes it to Number 10.

You may think that the Tories are having a little leadership difficulty at the moment, and you would be right that we seem to have devised an ingenious solution to the Tory habit of assassinating our leaders.

We appear to have decided that for quite a long period after our own party conference we will do without a leader at all, opening the possibility that someone – perhaps even I – will just go down to Central Office, put martial music on the tannoy, and issue a pronunciamento.

Hehe.

The key quality of Gordon Brown is that he is a Scot, and he sits for a Scottish seat at a time of glaring constitutional inequity, which Labour has no proposals to amend.

It is infamous enough that Gordon Brown can pass laws for my constituents, in England, and stick his nose into the admissions systems of ancient English universities, when I have no corresponding say over health or education in Scotland.

What makes the position doubly absurd is that he has no say over those questions insofar as they affect his own constituents in Scotland.

Boris’ crankiness notwithstanding, I think that’s just a fascinating subject. And they tell us that we’re the ones with a screwy governmental system. Hah!