The Oscar Nominations are in! All sixity billions of them! And that’s just the nominations for Best Picture!

Best Picture
War Horse – Haven’t seen it. Hate horse movies. Inevitably feel emotionally manipulated.
The Artist – LOVED IT
Moneyball – Haven’t seen it. Wanted to tho!
The Descendants – What? Was this a movie?
The Tree of Life – Haven’t seen it.
Midnight in Paris – Saw it, liked it, not Best Picture tho, eh?
The Help – Haven’t seen it. Would rather watch the latest Mr Bean.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close – What? Was this a movie?

Best Actress
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs – What? Was this a movie?
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Haven’t seen it.
Viola Davis, The Help – Haven’t seen it. See above.
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady – Haven’t seen it (yet).
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn – Haven’t seen it. She’s about the worst Marilyn ever tho, eh?

Best Actor
Demian Bichir, A Better Life – What? Was this a movie?
George Clooney, The Descendants – What? Was this a movie?
Jean Dujardin, The Artist – LOVED IT
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – LOVED IT
Brad Pitt, Moneyball – Haven’t seen it.

Supporting Actress
Berenice Bejo, The Artist – LOVED IT but Best Supporting Actress? SEXISTS.
Jessica Chastain, The Help – Haven’t seen it. See above.
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids – Saw it. Pointless. Comedians never win.
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs – What? Was this a movie?
Octavia Spencer, The Help – Haven’t seen it wait weren’t we just here? OH GOD IT’S A WOMEN CRYING MOVIE ISN’T IT

Supporting Actor
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn – Haven’t seen it but I hear he really chews up the scenery in it.
Jonah Hill, Moneyball – Haven’t seen it.
Nick Nolte, Warrior – What? Was this a movie?
Christopher Plummer, Beginners – What? Was this a -oh wait I did hear about this one! I think he’s gay?
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close – What? Was this a movie?

Best Director
Michel Hazanivicius, The Artist – LOVED IT
Alexander Payne, The Descendants – What? Was this a movie?
Martin Scorsese, Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris – Saw it. Liked it. Not Best Director tho, eh?
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life – Haven’t seen it.

Best Original Screenplay
Michel Hazanivicius, The Artist – LOVED IT
Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, Bridesmaids – Pointless, comedies never win.
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris – Saw it. Liked it. Could win for this one, I suppose.
J.C. Chandor, Margin Call – What? Was this a movie?
Asghar Farhadi, A Separation – Haven’t seen it but it’s supposed to be amazing.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, The Descendants – What? Was this a movie?
John Logan, Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
George Clooney, Beau Willimon and Grant Heslov, The Ides of March – What? Was this a movie?
Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin and Stan Chervin, Moneyball – Haven’t seen it.
Bridget O’Connor and Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – LOVED IT kind of getting screwed in nominations tho, eh?

Best Foreign Feature
Bullhead – Haven’t seen it.
Footnote – Haven’t seen it.
In Darkness – Haven’t seen it.
Monsieur Lazhar – Haven’t seen it.
A Separation – Haven’t seen it but it’s supposed to be amazing.

Best Animated Feature
A Cat in Paris – Haven’t seen it.
Chico & Rita – Haven’t seen it.
Kung Fu Panda 2 – Haven’t seen it.
Puss in Boots – Haven’t seen it.
Rango – Haven’t seen it.

Art Direction
The Artist – LOVED IT
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – Was v good.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Midnight in Paris – Was v good.
War Horse – Haven’t seen it.

Cinematography
The Artist – LOVED IT
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Haven’t seen it.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
The Tree of Life – Haven’t seen it.
War Horse – Haven’t seen it.

Costume Design
Anonymous – What? Was this a movie? Or a joke?
The Artist – LOVED IT.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Jane Eyre – Haven’t seen it.
W.E. – HAH AS IF. Haven’t seen it.

Documentary Feature
Hell and Back Again – Not Senna.
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front – Not Senna.
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory – Not Senna.
Pina – Not Senna.
Undefeated – Not Senna.

Documentary Short Subject
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement – Haven’t seen it.
God Is the Bigger Elvis – Haven’t seen it.
Incident in New Baghdad – Haven’t seen it.
Saving Face – Haven’t seen it.
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom – Haven’t seen it.

Film Editing
Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist – LOVED IT
Kevin Tent, The Descendants – Haven’t seen it.
Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Haven’t seen it.
Thelma Schoonmaker, Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Christopher Tellefsen, Moneyball – Haven’t seen it.

Makeup
Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle, Albert Nobbs – What? Was this a movie?
Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – Ehhh, mostly dirty kids and Voldemort’s no-nose.
Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland, The Iron Lady – Hmmm. A possibility.

Music (Original Score)
John Williams, The Adventures of Tintin – Haven’t seen it.
Ludovic Bource, The Artist- LOVED IT
Howard Shore, Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Alberto Iglesias, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – So good.
John Williams, War Horse – Haven’t seen it.

Music (Original Song)
“Man or Muppet” from The Muppets, Bret McKenzie – Haven’t seen it.
“Real in Rio” from Rio, Sergio Mendes, Carlinhos Brown and Siedah Garrett – Haven’t seen it.

Sound Editing
Drive – Haven’t seen it.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Haven’t seen it.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon – Haven’t seen it.
War Horse – Haven’t seen it.
Sound Mixing – Haven’t seen it.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Haven’t seen it.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Moneyball – Haven’t seen it.

Visual Effects
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – Maybe.
Hugo – Haven’t seen it.
Real Steel – What? Was this a movie?
Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Haven’t seen it.
Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon – Haven’t seen it.

Short Film (Animated)
Dimanche/Sunday – Haven’t seen it.
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore – Haven’t seen it. Baby has the iPad book tho!
La Luna – Haven’t seen it.
A Morning Stroll – Haven’t seen it.
Wild Life – Haven’t seen it.

Short Film (Live Action)
Pentecost – Haven’t seen it.
Raju – Haven’t seen it.
The Shore – Haven’t seen it.
Time Freak – Haven’t seen it.
Tuba Atlantic – Haven’t seen it.

To sum:

• The Artist was amazing. So clever and cheerful and unusual and actually a standout film in a way that a Best Picture should be.
Senna?!?
• I’m surprised We Need to Talk About Kevin didn’t get anything but I suppose it hasn’t even been released here yet. And it’s not exactly The Feel Good Movie Of the Year.
• And finally: I think it’s ridiculous that the Oscars forces all the technical winners to eat a rubber chicken and have their awards presented by the star of whatever ABC sitcom they’re trying to promote when that technical stuff is probably more interesting than the Best Foreign Language Short Animated Adult Contemporary Film Editing Award that they do force us to sit through (interspersed by thirteen ad breaks for that award alone) on our way to Best Picture. I mean I love animators as much as the next person, but they’re not exactly decorative and they don’t make the movies we actually see, whereas the Award For Best Use Of a Particle Generator in a Robot Exploding does, and moves the film industry forward. Just my two cents.
• And the final final thing, which should be obvious but apparently isn’t: We actually kind of LIKE seeing these awards handed out to people, even the animators and digital effects guys! If we’re watching the Oscars, it’s probably because we like the movies! So maybe, if your four hour running time is getting to be a deal breaker for most viewers, you could, um, cut the ad breaks? When most stars won’t even go because it’s too long to go without a cigarette and by the end of it their boob job is starting to droop anyway so what’s the point of putting all that bloody work into it, maybe you should make it shorter not by not showing the awards but by not showing the endless makeup ads. Just an idea. Oh, and if you’re trying to save your stupid industry, maybe getting more people to be interested in the biggest awards night of the year is a bigger deal in the long run than cashing in on ad revenues for the broadcast?