It’s that time o’ year, boys ‘n girls! When we get really excited about the best that Show Biz had to give us last year, and then don’t watch the ceremony cuz it’s

a) too long
b) there are only so many shampoo ads one can bear
c) too long
d) that schoolgirl confessional format for running through the best Actor/tress awards is excruciating
e) nobody not nominated bothers showing up because no one wants to deal with the armies of gay men and catty women tearing them to pieces on the “red carpet” for 6 hours before the thing starts, at which point they have to sit through another 6 hours of nothing going on on stage because us little people are sitting through another shampoo ad and they still haven’t gotten to use the ladies room.
f) it’s too bloody long
g) I don’t even get ABC on our over-the-air signal
h) is it even ABC anymore?
i) it’s too long

But anyway, here are the nominations!

Best Picture

• Amour: Haven’t seen it but it’s supposed to be AMAZING.
• Argo: Haven’t seen it but it’s supposed to be pretty good, but sort of unfair on Iranians (sort of “ooh aren’t those swarthy folk eeeevil”).
• Beasts of the Southern Wild: Haven’t seen it but it’s supposed to be AMAZING (I never even heard of it till it came out in the UK by which point it was long gone here which says something about your distribution network, guys).
• Django Unchained: Haven’t seen it cuz it’s three bleedin’ hours long.
• Les Misérables: Haven’t seen it cuz I got over Les Mis in high school and it’s three bleedin’ hours long.
• Life of Pi: Haven’t seen it cuz it’s a showcase of 3D and I refuse to see a 3D movie.
• Lincoln: Haven’t seen it cuz it’s three bleedin’ hours long.
• Silver Linings Playbook: Haven’t seen it but I’d kind of like to although it sort of strikes me as a bit of a rental, no?
• Zero Dark Thirty: Haven’t seen it but Jessica Chastain is awesome and so I’d like to but I’ve heard mixed things about it.

Best Actor:

• Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings): Never heard of him.
• Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln): The forehead vein of greatness.
• Huge Action (Les Mis): Aww, love him, he’s so nice. Ridonk taste in scripts, tho.
• Joaquin Phoenix (The Master): I doubt he’ll show up.
• Denzel Washington (Flight): Nobody saw this movie, did they?

Best Actress:

• Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty): Redhead! Also she was in Coriolanus which was great and everyone should see even though nobody did.
• Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings): I think she’s cool. She’s already won though hasn’t she?
• Emmanuelle Riva (Amour): I doubt they’ll give it to another French language role, eh?
• Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts): I think she’ll win. Mostly because I wanna hear everyone try to get their botoxed facial muscles around her name.
• Naomi Watts (The Impossible): You know she’s doing a Princess Di movie?

Director:

• Michael Haneke (Amour): I think he’ll win cuz I have no idea who he is but I keep hearing people talk reverently of him.
• Benh Zeitlin (Beasts): Or him.
• Ang Lee (Life of Pi): I doubt it. Or at least I hope not.
• Steven Spielberg (Lincoln): Doubt it. Unless everyone feels like he’s owed it?
• David O. Russell (Silver Linings): Doubtful. But I love the O in his name. Veddy Hollywood innit.

Best Supporting Actor:

• Haven’t seen any of them but I think it’d be funny if Robert de Niro won, cool if Philip Seymour Hoffman won, nifty if Tommy Lee Jones won, and I have no opinion about Christoph Waltz or Alan Arkin.

Best Supporting Actress:

• Everyone thinks Anne Hathaway will win. I hope not.

Best Foreign Language Film:

• God I hope A Royal Affair wins cuz God I wanted to see that but damnit it’s not in the theaters anymore and I was gonna see it after Christmas but I left it too long argh.

Best Animated:

• Would be cool if Aardman got it for Pirates! but who knows.

Costume Design:

• Oooh oooh Anna Karenina please!

Music:

• Ooh ooh Anna Karenina!

Original Song:

• Skyfall. Puh-lease.